Dear Slime – A Mom’s Take on Slime & Why It’s Banned in Our House

Dear Slime,

I really don’t want to hurt your feelings since you do keep my kids busy but I really don’t like you.  I’ve been trying to ban you from my house for the past few months.  However now that I’ve banned slime making in my home, my kids have taken to buying you from their friends with their birthday money.  The vicious cycle never ends.  

It’s nothing personal, honestly, it’s just that my kids aren’t responsible enough to make or play with you.  They seem to think that it’s ok to play with you on their beds, on the couch, in my car, etc…  Personally, I think playing with the slimes they make & bring home is calming but the cleanup is a nightmare.

I just wanted to share some reasons why I don’t think I will let my kids play with you anymore:

 

Slime gets EVERYWHERE

Remember in the 90’s how Nickelodeon would always proclaim, “You got slimed!”  That pretty much explains the constant state of my home for the past year.  I’ve had to find creative (and expensive) ways to clean slime from just about every surface of my home.  Especially my couch…and my daughter’s shorts…at the same time.

One day she sat on the couch for 20 minutes and after getting up she realized that she had sat on a Ziploc bag of slime that she forgot was on the couch.  It seeped out of the bag, onto my couch and onto my daughter’s shorts.  God damn, that was a stressful cleanup.

What about the seat of my car?  Slime.  I am currently planning on eventually trading in my car for a much larger mode of transportation.  I’ve taken great care of my car and thought it would be in excellent condition for a trade in until one day, I looked at the back passenger’s side seat.  What do I see? FREAKING SLIME SMOOSHED INTO MY SEAT.  

Apparently, this is common as I took the car to get the inside detailed and when the guy looked in my back seat he said with a smirk, “Slime, huh?”  They must see this a lot.  The guy tried to get it off in the most inexpensive way possible but unfortunately, the slime was on the seat for too long and would cost…over a hundred dollars to remove.  Man, even the guys at the car wash are profiting from slime.

….And it seems like they’ve cleaned more than enough slime off of car seats in order to make a small fortune.

 

Those floam beads clog my sink

As a child, I loved floam just as much as the next kid did but my mom purchased it at Toys R Us.  There was no floam making in the 80’s and 90’s when I was growing up.  When my kids told me that they wanted to make floam I was ok with it.  After all, floam is so much fun to play with.

Apparently, it’s not as fun to clean up the supplies needed to make the floam.

After months of cleaning up spilled paint, food coloring, glue and whatever else from my kids’ floors and desk, I asked them to please make their slime in the bathroom.  I thought cleaning the bathroom counter would be a lot easier than cleaning the wood floors time and time again.  I was, once again, wrong.

One morning I was in the main bathroom, turned on the sink and almost had a heart attack as I realized the sink was clogged.  What the hell could be clogging my sink?  After running out to the store and buying draino, which wouldn’t unclog the sink, I turned to sticking an appetizer fork down the drain.  In my mind, this would help me figure out what foreign object was in my drain.  I did find out what it was as millions of “floam beads” came out as I pulled the fork from the drain.

It took me two hours after that to fish out enough floam beads so my sink would work again.  I’m not exactly sure if my kids dumped the entire pack down my drain or what…but there was a shit load of floam beads down there.  Curse you, slime!

 

My contact lens solution keeps going missing

I have Transitions lenses in my glasses so I don’t wear my contacts as frequently as I had in the past but there are days I feel like slapping in my contacts.  There have been few of those days in the past year and every single damn time I had no contact lens solution.  “Slime...” I said through clenched teeth as I put my contacts back in my medicine cabinet and threw my glasses back on.

Contact lens solution isn’t cheap either.  That shit is a good $15 for a twin pack.

As many times as my kids and I have had the “Don’t take things to make slime that we don’t specifically buy for slime.” talk, things still go missing.  God forbid my glasses ever break and I need to wear my contacts…I’ll probably have to drive with squinted eyes until I could (hopefully safely) get to CVS without vision.

 

I’m pretty sure Tide & Elmers Glue created slime

When I used to give in and let my kids make slime I would take them to buy their slime supplies.  I would pick out the cheapest off-brand white/clear glue and the store brand laundry detergent to cut costs.  “Mom, you don’t understand, only Tide and Elmers works for slime.  Nothing else will work.” my kids would constantly say to me.

ALL LAUNDRY DETERGENTS AND GLUE WERE CREATED EQUAL. Don’t give me that shit that I have to spend a small fortune on the name brand detergents and glue for your freaking slime!  I don’t even buy that for my own laundry!

My mom and I came to the conclusion that Tide and Elmers got together and conspired against parents to create this damn slime.  Why else would our kids say that those brands, and only those brands, work for slime?

Small note – One time I forced my kids, against their will, to use off-brand glue and store brand detergent and guess what… it worked the exact same! Surprise! You don’t have to win the lottery to buy slime supplies! (Although it’s still expensive!)

 

The salespeople at Michaels know me

As a crafter and artist, I’ve always frequented Michaels multiple times a week to buy things that I needed for art. (Which is my emotional outlet for dealing with things such as SLIME!) Now I walk into Michaels, get to the counter and I hear “Slime again?”  I always look down at my kids to see their devilish smirky little faces and hang my head.  “Unfortunately.” is my usual reply.

I’m sure they sell a ton of slime supplies on the daily as I constantly see the “MAKE SLIME” endcaps pretty much empty, but I feel like they’re judging me silently.  They don’t have kids, they don’t understand what it’s like!

 

I never have Tupperware containers when I need them

I’m sure every mom can relate to this as I’ve seen this being one of the main complaints with slime.

I never have Tupperware containers for my leftovers.  I’ve gone through so much more aluminum foil and am forced to store my leftovers in kitchen and mixing bowls because I never have any containers.  I’ve purchased my kids the cheap $2 5-packs of target brand containers for their slime but there’s always product overflow that they don’t have room for.  When that happens they go into the kitchen and steal mom’s containers.

Thanks, kids.

When you have no bowls for your cereal in the morning, just know that your slime being in my Tupperware containers caused it.  Don’t blame me for not washing the dishes.

 

Sometimes I need to leave the house with hairy legs

I’m Italian and have dark, thick hair…just consider that for a second. There’s no hiding the fact that I didn’t (and couldn’t) shave my legs because of lack of shaving cream in my bathroom.

Sadly, I’ve gone past the stage of feeling self-conscious over the fact that I sometimes have to go to the store with my unshaved legs  (Remember that I’m Italian so that shit is obvious!) in order to buy shaving cream.  I’m actually getting used to it.  There are days when I go to shave my legs and am pleasantly surprised that my shaving cream wasn’t snatched from my bathroom and used for slime.

Women’s shaving cream is expensive too…but my kids refuse to use men’s shaving cream for slime.  (Which is cheaper)  They said that men’s shaving cream smells like a guy (no shit) and women’s shaving cream smells much better, that’s why they opt to use mine.  I honestly don’t care what your slime smells like, momma needs to shave her damn legs at least once a week!  (That’s literally all I ask for!)

 

I’ll be trying to get glitter remnants off my floor until the day I die

Since having kids I’ve had a love/hate relationship with glitter.  I love glittery things just as much as the next person but not loose glitter that’s a bitch to clean up.  As much as I try to vacuum it, sweep it, Swiffer it; I can’t get all of the glitter off.  I’ve even resorted to buying an extra large sticky lint roller from Target to try to get it off the floor.  As much as I try there are still those small specs of glitter that want to hold onto my floor for dear life.  I’m not sure if I’m ever going to get them off so I should learn to embrace the small specs of glitter that sit on my floor.

 

WHAT THE FUCK IS INSTANT SNOW?

Is it butter slime that uses instant snow? Squishy slime? Iceberg lettuce slime? Who the hell knows or cares!  I just want to know what the hell instant snow is and why I need to spend $20 for a huge tub of it from Amazon.  I’ve never heard of instant snow before this slime craze.  Needless to say, we haven’t purchased it yet and probably won’t.  Though I did see it as Brookstone the other day for $14.  I examined the tub to see if I could figure out just what that crap is but I couldn’t find any information other than the fact that it’s, apparently, instant snow.  Can someone explain??

 

Kinetic Sand is NOT an easy cleanup

I love how Kinetic Sand boasts that it’s a simple way to play with sand with “easy cleanup and no mess”.  I’m not sure if the product testers or developers had kids or not but that shit is not an easy cleanup.  Also — who the hell decided it was a good idea to put kinetic sand into slime?  I swear people will put anything into slime.  But I digress, back to Kinetic Sand…  As much as I try to clean up the bits and pieces that fall to my floor I can never get it all up.  I end up, at the end of the day, feeling like I’ve walked on a beach all day.

 

As much as I hate to be the bad parent and ban slime I think it’s time to banish the devil from my home.  I know my kids love to make and play with slime, I know they’re quiet when they’re doing so, but is it worth it?  Is that hour of peace and quiet worth hours of clean up afterward?  Is it worth my sink being clogged?  Is it worth having to clean the goop off of clothing and stuffed animals?  Probably not.  Sorry slime but you’re going to have to go.  My kids can stick to watching slime videos on YouTube, at least that won’t cause a mess in my house!

Sincerely,

A mom that’s frustrated with slime

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *