Shit No One Tells You About Becoming a Mother

Before you have a baby you’ll probably have this idealized view of what your parenting life will be like.  I know I did!  I imagined being this perfect parent with a clean house and very well behaved kids.  Everyone you come across tells you how wonderful it is to have kids and how difficult it can be, but they don’t tell you the entire truth about how hard it is.  No one ever tells you the cold, hard, dirty truth about how being a parent will be.  

Say Goodbye to Your Clean House

Once your child begins walking you can say goodbye to your clean house.  Your child will take their toys out — multiple toys at one time.  You’ll clean your house from top to bottom only to have it look like a hurricane hit an hour later.  You’ll eventually give up hours of cleaning when you realize that it will never look perfect again.  At first you might be embarrassed when unexpected guests stop by but you’ll soon realize that you’re a mom and they’ll have to understand.  I’ll be completely honest, as your kids hit pre-teen age it really doesn’t get too much better.  They’ll take their jacket off and throw it right on the floor, shoes will be left in the middle of the living room and their belongings will be all over the house.  Pre-teens don’t understand the definition of cleaning even if you drill it into their heads.


You’ll Want a Family-Friendly Car

My dream car was a Mustang convertible.  Yes, I said was.  My new dream car is a Chevy Traverse, or any car with three rows so my kids can’t argue while we drive on the highway.  I’ll let you in on a little secret, I also would love a Chrysler Pacifica — yes a minivan.  My childless friends laugh at me for wanting a minivan but I have no shame.


That Car Will Eventually Be Nasty

Kids are little pigs.  No matter what car you have or what new car you may get, it will become nasty as hell.  I try to keep my car clean, I really do.  I take it in to have it professionally cleaned once a month but somehow it still ends up a mess inside.  The back seat constantly has crushed chips on the floor, jackets left on the back seat, toys left on the back seat, foot prints on the back of the seats, etc…  My friends constantly are on my ass about how messy my car is but little do they realize, they’ll deal with this one day too.  My car isn’t messy by choice, it’s messy because I’m a mom.


You’ll Learn to Understand Your Mom

When you become a mom you’ll learn to appreciate your mother more and you’ll finally understand her.  Eventually you’ll even catch yourself becoming your mother and that’s not a bad thing.  Our mothers are strong women who raised us well despite the crap we gave them when we were younger.  You’ll go through the same things but come out a stronger woman when your kids grow up.


Comfortable Clothes Will Become Your Friend

I have a whole closet of nice clothing that I wear maybe once a year.  My normal everyday outfit consists of leggings or sweatpants, a t-shirt, a hoodie and comfortable sneakers.  I envy those mothers who seem to have their shit together enough to get completely dressed in the mornings.  Especially those moms who can get all dolled up and bring their kids to school on time.  Sometimes I drive my kids to school braless, while still in my pajamas and most of the time they’re still almost late.  How do those moms do it?  Do they have nannys? Do they get up at 3 am!?


Kid Songs Will Constantly Be in your Head

You will sing theme songs from shows your kids watch more than you want to.  Sometimes you’ll sing them even when your kids aren’t around.  When my girls were younger I would constantly have the Wonder Pets theme song in my head and sometimes I would end up singing it while cleaning.  Sometimes I would even sing it when I was around other adults.  Sure they would look at me oddly but when you’re a mom you have no shame.


Privacy Will Be Non Existent

Going to the bathroom without your kids sitting on the floor of the bathroom?  Yep, that’s something that will happen when you become a mother.  Don’t even think about locking the door to get some privacy because your kids will bang on that door like they’re being chased by a bear.  When you become a mother your privacy becomes non existent.  Your kids will follow you around…everywhere and you’re going to have to learn to like it.


Functioning on Little Sleep is a Skill You’ll Master

Do you need 7-8 hours of sleep in order to function?  When you become a mother you’re going to have a rude awakening.  7-8 hours of sleep is unheard of for a mom unless you’re extremely lucky and get a good night.  From day one you’ll learn to function on very little sleep and it won’t get much better.  Sleep will become a luxury and you’ll learn to function on 4-5 hours sleep if you’re lucky.  Naps will be something that you dream of during the day and sometimes you may even be able to get in an uninterrupted nap.


Silence Will Scare You

One main thing I learned when I became a mom is that silence is always suspicious.  I learned this when my daughter was maybe one or two.  I thought she was taking a nap or playing in her crib so I proceeded to try to get housework done before she needed me.  I walked into her room a short time later to find poop smeared everywhere.  Yes, EVERYWHERE.  From that day forward I realized that silence is scary.  You’ll always think your kids are up to something when it’s quiet and most of the time you’ll be right.  Sometimes when my girls are quiet and not fighting I automatically assume that one smothered the other.  It’s a logical fear.


One Shoe or Sock Will Always Be Missing

…And this will always happen when you’re nearly late and need to run out the door.  I can’t tell you how many times in one week a shoe or sock will be lost when we’re running out the door to get to school.  There are days when I’m suspicious that my girls purposely hid a shoe so they would be late… Oh, and that shoe or sock?  It will most likely always be in the most obvious spot.


It Goes By So Quickly

Actually, when I was pregnant many people told me that time goes by so quickly but I didn’t believe them until I realized that they were right.  It seems like just yesterday my girls were newborns and now that phase is gone.  Time flies by when you’re a parent and because of that it’s important to cherish every second you have with your kids.  Don’t take anything for granted because before you know it they will be teenagers…and hate you…



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